A Dirty Job Chapter 4

4THE BETA MALE IN HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENTJane, said Charlie, I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces or people unidentified al iodine no less real be threatening intent as we jockey it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence.And thats why I have to eat yellow mustard? Jane was sitting at Charlies breakfast thinker eating Little Smokies cocktail sausages verboten of the package, dipping them in a ramekin of Frenchs yellow. Baby Sophie was sitting on the counter in her car-seat/bassinet/imperial-storm-trooper-helmet thingy.Charlie paced the kitchen, marking off his evidentiary points in the air with a sausage as he went. First, on that point was the guy in Rachels room that mysteriously disappeared from the security measures tapes.Because he was n incessantly there. Look, Sophie likes yellow mustard like you.Second, Charlie continued, despite his sisters persistent indifference, all the stuff in the shop was g lowing like it was radioactive. Dont put that in her m unwraph.Oh my God, Charlie, Sophies straight. Look at her go subsequently that Lil Smokie.And third, that Creek guy, got hit by a bus up on Columbus yester twenty-four hours, I knew his name and he had an umbrella that was glowing red.Im so disappointed, said Jane. I was opinioning forward to raising her on the all-girls team giving her the advantages I never had, but look at her work that sausage. This kid is a natural.Get that out of her mouthRelax, she pratt eat it. She doesnt even have teeth. And its non like theres a moaning Teletubby on the former(a) end of it. Oh, jeez, its going to take major tequila to chance that picture out of my head.She burn downt have pork, Jane. Shes Jewish Are you trying to turn my daughter into a shiksa?Jane snatched the cocktail sausage out of Sophies mouth, and examined it, even as the fiber-optic strand of drool stayed connected to the tiny kid. I dont think I can eat these things eve r again, Jane said. Theyll always conjure visions of my niece blowing a terry-cloth puppet person.Jane Charlie grabbed the sausage from her and flung it into the sink.What?Are you listening at all?Yes, yes, you saw some guy get hit by a bus so your fabric is unraveling. So?So, someone is fucking with me?And why is that news, Charlie? Youve thought someone was fucking with you since you were eight.They have been. Probably. But this time its real. It could be real.Hey, these are all-beef Lil Smokies. Sophies not a shikster after all.ShiksaWhatever.Jane, youre not helping with my problem.What problem? You have a problem?Charlies problem was that the trailing edge of his important staminate imagination was digging at him like bamboo splinters at a lower place the fingernails. While Alpha young-begetting(prenominal)s are often gifted with superior physical attributes size, strength, speed, wide of the mark looks selected by evolution over the eons by the strongest surviving and, essentially, getting all the girls, the of import Male gene has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it. That is, when the Alpha Males were out charging after mastodons, the genus Beta Males could imagine in advance that attacking what was essentially an angry, woolly bulldozer with a pointy stick might be a losing proposition, so they hung back at camp to console the grieving widows. When Alpha Males set out to conquer neighboring tribes, to count coups and take heads, Beta Males could see in advance that in the event of a victory, the influx of female slaves was going to leave a surplus of mateless women cast out for younger trophy models, with nothing to do but salt down the heads and file the uncounted coups, and some would find solace in the arms of both Beta Male smart enough to survive. In the case of defeat, well, there was that widows thing again. The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticip ate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The universe of discourse is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male.The problem (Charlies problem) is that the Beta Male imagination has become superfluous in the face of modern society. Like the saber-toothed tigers fangs, or the Alpha Males testosterone, theres fairish to a abundanter extent Beta Male imagination than can rightfully be put to peachy use. Consequently, a lot of Beta Males become hypochondriacs, neurotics, paranoids, or develop an addiction to porn or video games.Because, plot of land the Beta Male imagination evolved to help him avoid danger, as a side effect it also allows him fantasy-only access to power, money, and leggy, model-type females who, in reality, wouldnt accusation him in the kidneys to get a bug off their shoe. The rich fantasy tone of the Beta Male may often spill over into reality, manifesting in near-genius levels of self-delusion. In fact, many Beta Males, contrary to any empirical evidence, actually believe that they are Alpha Males, and have been endowed by their creator with forward-looking stealth charisma, which, although awesome in concept, is totally undetectable by women not constructed from carbon fiber. Every time a supermodel divorces her rock-star husband, the Beta Male secretly rejoices (or more accurately, feels great waves of unjustified hope), and every time a beautiful movie star marries, the Beta Male experiences a sense of lost opportunity. The entire metropolis of Las Vegas plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male.And Beta Male self-delusion played no small part in Charlie send-off approaching Rachel, that rainy day in February, five years before, when he had ducked into A Clean, Well-Lighted Place for Books to get out of the storm, and Rachel granted him a faint smile over a stack of Carson McCullers she was shelving. He quickly convinced himself that it was because he was dripping with boyish charm, when it was, in fact, simply because he was dripping.Youre dripping, she said. She had blue eyes, sporty skin, and dark loose curls that fell around her face. She gave him a sideways glance just enough consideration to spur his Beta Male ego.Yeah, thanks, Charlie said, taking a step closer.Can I get you a towel or something?Nah, Im used to it.Youre dripping on Cormac McCarthy.Sorry. Charlie wiped All the Pretty Horses with his sleeve while he tried to see if she had a nice figure under the floppy sweater and cargo pants. Do you come here often?Rachel took a consequence before responding. She was wearing a name tag, working inventory from a metal cart, and she was pretty sure shed seen this guy in the store before. So he wasnt being stupid, he was being clever. Sort of. She couldnt help it, she laughed.Charlie shrugged damply and smiled. Im Charlie Ashe r.Rachel, Rachel said. They shook hands.Rachel, would you like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime?That diversity of depends, Charlie. Id need you to answer a few questions first.Of course, Charlie said. If you dont mind, I have some questions, too. He was thinking, What do you look like naked? and How long before I can check?Fine, because. Rachel put down The Ballad of the Sad Caf and counted on her fingers.Do you have a job, a car, and a place to live? And are the last two things the same thing? She was twenty-five and had been single for a while. Shed learned to screen her applicants.Uh, yes, yes, yes, and no.Excellent. Are you gay? Shed been single for a while in San Francisco.I asked you out.That means nothing. Ive had guys not realize they were gay until wed gone out a few times. Turns out thats my specialty.Wow, youre kidding. He looked her up and down and unyielding that she probably had a great figure under the baggy clothes. I could see it going the other way, butRight answer. Okay, Ill have coffee with you. non so fast, what about my questions?Rachel threw out a hip and rolled her eyes, sighed. Okay, shoot.I dont really have any, I just didnt want you to think I was easy.You asked me out thirty seconds after we met.Can you blame me? There you were, eyes and teeth hair, dry, place good books Ask meDo you think that theres any chance, you know, after we get to know each other, that youll like me? I mean, can you see it happening?It didnt matter that he was pushing it whether he was sly or just awkward, she was nude against his Beta Male charm sans charisma, and she had her answer. Not a chance, she lied.I miss her, Charlie said, and he looked away from his sister as if there was something in the sink that really, really needed studying. His shoulders shook with a sob and Jane went to him and held him as he slumped to his knees.I really miss her.I know you do.I hate this kitchen.Right there with you, kid.The good sister, she was.I see this kitchen and I see her face and I cant handle it.Yes, you can. You will. It will get better.Maybe I should move or something.You do what you think you need to, but pain travels pretty well. Jane rubbed his shoulders and his neck, as if his grief was a knot in a muscle that could be worked out under direct pressure.After a few minutes he was back, functioning, sitting at the counter between Sophie and Jane, drinking a cup of coffee. You think Im just imagining all this, then?Jane sighed. Charlie, Rachel was the center of your universe. Anyone who saw you guys together knew that. Your life revolved around her. With Rachel gone, its like you have no center, nothing to ground you, youre all feeble and unstable, so things seem unreal. But you do have a center.I do?Its you. I dont have a Rachel, or anyone like her on the horizon, but Im not spinning out of control.So youre saying I need to be self-centered, like you?I guess I am. Do you think that makes me a bad person?Do you care?G ood point. Are you going to be sanction? I need to go buy some yoga DVDs. Im startle a class tomorrow.If youre going to take a class, then why do you need DVDs?I have to look like I know what Im doing or no one will go out with me. You going to be okay?Ill be okay. I just cant go in the kitchen, or look at anything in the apartment, or listen to music, or lookout TV.Okay then, have fun, Jane said, tweaking the babys nose on the way out the door.When she was gone, Charlie sat at the counter for a while looking at baby Sophie. Strangely enough, she was the only thing in the apartment that didnt remind him of Rachel. She was a stranger. She looked at him those wide blue eyes with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like shed been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys.Sorry, Charlie said, averting his gaze to a stack of unpaid bills by the phone. He could feel the kid watching him, wondering, he thought , how many terry-cloth puppet people shed have to blow to get a decent render over here. Still, he checked that she was securely strapped in her chair, then went off to grab the undone laundry, because he was, in fact, going to be a very good father.Beta Males almost always make good fathers. They tend to be steady and responsible, the kind of guys a girl (if she was resolved to do without the seven-figure salary or the thirty-six-inch vertical leap) would want as a father for her children. Of course, shed rather not have to sleep with him for that to happen, but after youve been kicked to the curb by a few Alpha Males, the idea of waking up in the arms of a guy who will adore you, if for no other reason than gratitude for sex, and will always be there, even past the point where you can stand to have him around, is a comfortable compromise.For the Beta Male, if nothing else, is loyal. He makes a great husband as well as a great best friend. He will help you move and bring you soup when you are sick. Always considerate, the Beta Male thanks a woman after sex, and is often quick with an apology as well. He makes a great house sitter, especially if you arent especially attached to your house pets. A Beta Male is trustworthy your girlfriend is generally in safe hands with a Beta Male friend, unless, of course, she is a complete slut. (In fact, the complete slut through history may be exclusively responsible for the survival of the Beta Male gene, for loyal as he may be, the Beta Male is helpless in the face of charging, unimaginary bosoms.)And while the Beta Male has the potential to be a great husband and father, the skills still need to be learned. So, for the next few weeks, Charlie did short but care for the tiny stranger in his house. She was an alien, really a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine and he didnt understand anything about her species. But as he tended to her, talked to her, lost a lot of sleep over her, bathed her, watched her nap, and a dmonished her for the disgusting substances that oozed and urped out of her, he started to fall in love. One morning, after a oddly active night of the lead-and-change parade, he awoke to find her staring goofily at the mobile over her crib, and when she saw him, she smiled. That did it. Like her mother before her, she set the course of his life with a smile. And as it had with Rachel, that wet morning in the bookstore, his soul lit up. The weirdness, the bizarre circumstances of Rachels death, the red glowing items in the shop, the dark, winged thing higher up the street, all of it took a backseat to the new light of his life.He didnt understand that she loved him unconditionally so when he got up in the middle of the night to feed her, he put on a shirt and combed his hair and tested to see that his breath was free of funk. Within minutes of getting poleaxed with heart for his daughter, he started to develop a deep fear for her safety, which, over the course of a few days, bl ossomed into a whole new garden of paranoia.It looks like Nerf world in here, Jane said, one afternoon when she brought in the bills from the store and the checks for Charlie to sign. Charlie had padded every sharp corner or edge in the apartment with foam prophylactic and duct tape, put plastic covers on all of the electrical outlets, childproofed locks on all cabinets, installed new smoke, carbon monoxide, and radon detectors, and activated the V?CChip on the TV so that now he was incapable of watching anything that didnt feature baby animals or learning the alphabet.Accidents are the number one cause of death among children in America, Charlie said.But she cant even roll over on her stomach yet.I want to be ready. Everything I read says that one day youre breast-feeding them and the next day you wake up and theyre dropping out of college. He was changing the baby on the coffee table and had used ten baby wipes so far, if Jane had the count right.I think that might be a metaphor. You know, for how fast they grow up.Well, its done when shes ready to crawl.Why dont you just make a big foam-rubber grounds for her, its easier than padding the world. Charlie, its scary-looking in here. You cant bring a woman here, shed think youre nuts.Charlie looked at his sister for a long second without saying anything, just frozen there, holding a disposable diaper in one hand and his daughters ankles scissored between the fingers of the other.When youre ready, Jane stumbled on. I mean, Im not saying that youd bring a woman here.Okay, because Im not.Of course not. Im not saying that. But you have to leave the apartment. For one thing, you need to go downstairs to the store. Ray has sullen the point-of-sale computer into some kind of go out service and the truant officer has stopped by three times looking for Lily. And I cant keep doing the accounts and trying to run things and do my job, too, Charlie. Dad left field you the business for a reason.But theres no one to watch Sophie.You have Mrs. Korjev and Mrs. Ling right here in the building, let one of them watch her. Hell, Ill watch her for a few hours in the evening, if that will help.Im not going down there in the evening. Thats when things are radioactive.Jane set the stack of papers on the coffee table next to Sophies head and backed away with her arms crossed. Play what you just said back in your head, would you.Charlie did, then shrugged. Okay, that sounds a little crazy.Go make an appearance at the shop, Charlie. Just a few minutes to get your feet wet and put the fear of God in Ray and Lily, okay? Ill finish changing her.Jane slid in between the couch and the coffee table, nudging her brother out of the way. In the process she knocked the dirty diaper to the floor, where it fell open.Oh my God She gagged and turned her head.Another reason not to eat brown mustard, huh? Charlie said.You bastardHe backed away. Okay, Im going downstairs. Youre sure you got this?Go Jane said, waving him out of th e room with one hand while holding her nose with the other.